Don't Be A Pick-Me Girl: Addressing Our Internalized Misogyny

Welcome back to another episode of me making all of us really uncomfortable by talking about some undeniable truths! Don't worry, I'll try to be gentle 😇

Because this week, ladies... We need to be the ones in the hot seat.

Yes, that's right. Last week was a rough one. We all collectively took a huge hit, and needed nothing less than a massive internet group hug.

But then, I learned some horrifying information regarding how the majority of white women voted in the American election. And then I started noticing some interesting conversations and comments from other white women online that made me hang my head in shame. I came for blue bracelets last week, this comment is all I will say on that nonsense.

I wrote an article a while ago about a certain way Millennials as a whole had been groomed by society, you can read it here. When that idea first occurred to me, it hit me like a smack in the face. I knew I was onto something, and I knew it was only the beginning.

And boy, howdy. Was I right.

Ladies, specifically my fellow privileged white women... It's time to sit down, take a really deep breath, and set your ego to the side.

The vast majority of us are Pick-Me Girls, and we are helping to hold up the patriarchy that's keeping us down, with our own boots on the necks of our fellow sisters.

Let's get into it.

"Okay, this one says that we should practice on a tootsie roll?"

What Is "Internalized Misogyny?"

Let's keep this part short and sweet. The most basic definition I could find online comes from Wikipedia:

Misogyny is the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women or girls. Women who experience internalized misogyny may express it through minimizing the value of women, mistrusting women, and showing gender bias in favor of men.

There is no denying that we currently live in a systemically racist and misogynistic society. A racist, rapist, convicted felon was just elected as the President of the United States over a much higher qualified, laughably better candidate, who happens to be a powerful Black Woman. The writing is, unfortunately, on the wall.

Sadly, we expected this of the white men of America. But then the ugly truth came out.

White woman lined up in droves to vote for the very man who is actively stripping their rights away.

Internalized misogyny is when we take the hatred that is thrown at us simply for existing as a woman, we hold it deep inside ourselves as a stone cold truth, and then turn around and throw that very same hatred at other women. And back at ourselves.

Internalized misogyny is just another version of Stockholm syndrome.

It's time to pay attention to the words we are saying, and walk back where those ideas are coming from.

Let's take a look.

We Were Groomed Into Pick-Me Girls

For generations now, the men have done a very good job at teaching women how to stay quiet, agreeable, and submissive. Times have changed, and so their methods have changed, but the message has always remained the same.

Without them, we would be lost. Our only mission in life is to be a good little girl, look like a supermodel at all times, find a husband, raise his babies, and make sure he never has to lift a finger outside of the office.

We have all seen America Ferrera's speech from the Barbie movie. If you haven't, you need to stop reading and go watch it on YouTube right now. I'll wait. Okay good, are you with me now? It is impossible to be a woman.

And they designed it to be that way.

The grooming starts from a young age. Everything designed for girls is pink and soft, princesses and dream castles, a celebration of femininity; without any real worldly aspirations, of course. Then as we get older, we are slowly taught that everything feminine is to be shamed. Girly things are just silly, not to be taken seriously. Our body hair is disgusting. Our periods are horrifying. Boring girls are prudes, we need to embrace our sexuality, but don't flaunt it, and also save yourself for marriage, but don't actually do that because then you're a prude again. Other girls are evil and we need to prove that we're different. Our natural faces are ugly and need to be covered up; but then we're shamed if we like makeup too much. We are expected to perform the role of "perfect woman," effortlessly, without looking like we enjoy it.

Once you take a step back and see it, it all makes so much sense. We know it's unattainable. We know it's not right.

So... why are we continuing the cycle with each other?

We are no longer being Pick-Me Girls

Is That You, Or Your Internalized Misogyny Talking?

Confronting your own internalized misogyny is not easy work. I hadn't seen it in myself at all until just a few years ago while listening to the Jenna & Julien podcast (miss you, Jenna Marbles!) She had mentioned something about how we tear each other down, and it was called "internalized misogyny." I've been actively working on it ever since, and doing so has opened my eyes to all the ways in which a lot of people operate under these ideas and have no idea they even think that way.

Let's take a look at some examples!

Tearing Each Other Apart Let's start with the most obvious one: Picking each other to pieces. Be it in the mommy chat rooms, within friend groups, any social media platform really, you will see countless women tearing each other apart simply because they dared to exist in a fashion outside of the patriarchal norms and expectations.

Hating Ourselves Magazines, social media, they all push an unrealistic beauty and lifestyle standard that we inevitably hold ourselves to. The saying "comparison is the thief of joy" has never been more relevant than it is today. We judge ourselves based on an unachievable ideal, and then buy products and services in an attempt to keep up with a lifestyle that simply can not exist unless you're a millionaire. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be your best self; there is something wrong with convincing women that they're ugly and worthless unless they are "flawless" in all aspects of life. Side note, you should listen to the song Repeat Stuff by Bo Burnham. Moving on.

Dimming Our Light Have you ever made yourself smaller, quieter? Hid your intelligence, shied away from the spotlight, because you didn't want to make them feel insecure? There is absolutely no reason to hold yourself back, they do a good enough job of that on their own. The idea that we need to stay humble is internalized misogyny, plain and simple. Own your shit.

Disliking Feminine Things I will be honest... I hated the colour pink until a little over a year ago. I don't remember exactly when the change happened for me, but I know I was a young child when I decided that everything pink and girly was bad. No more Barbies, no more dresses; I was a girl, sure. But I didn't want to be a "girly" girl anymore. Because being a girly girl was bad. Big thank you to Chelsea from Love Is Blind, and The Barbie movie, for helping me to fully reclaim my pink and feminine side. Being a girl is amazing. The patriarchy wants you to hate yourself. Don't let it.

Disliking Femininity In Others Looking at you, TERFs. We do not gatekeep being feminine. Being a girly is a way of life, and has nothing to do with what is in your pants. Everything feminine should be celebrated and embraced, no matter the body doing so.

Judging Other Women We have to change the way we think. Jealousy, judgement, that inner critic that pops out anytime a woman dares to be different or stand out... That's internalized misogyny talking. A fun little exercise I started doing was any time I found myself being jealous or critical of a girl, I became her biggest cheerleader. I would mentally applaud the hell out of whatever it was that triggered me. Start flipping that script around in your head. Why shouldn't someone wear what they want? Do what they want? As long as they're not hurting anybody, there really is no reason for people not to enjoy themselves. Stop judging, start embracing. Because you know what happens? You start loving yourself a lot more, too. And that jealous voice has almost completely disappeared now.

Distrusting Women "I'm only friends with guys, girls are just too catty." We have all heard this line. And I think we can all admit now that this is just inherently not true; but it is a stereotype that is perpetuated through the media and by people looking for attention by playing to the drama. Don't trust anybody blindly, but start listening to your sisters. It's time to come together, trust each other, and start building this new world together.

Holding Ourselves and Each Other Back How many times have we planted the seed of doubt in the minds of our friends, or ourselves? Being cautioned to stay small, don't reach too big, that could never happen for you, why risk the embarrassment... If we had one ounce of the audacity of the average straight, white man? We would be unstoppable. Keep your head up. High. We're leaving being humble in 2024.

Worshipping Youth and Beauty It is a good goal to want to look and feel your best. But we have to stop believing the lie that our lives end at 35. Those are when the best years start. Yes, my bathroom is full of skincare products. And sure, there are some cosmetic procedures I would have if I had the money. But even if none of that existed, I would still love myself exactly as I am, and as I will be, until the die I day. The male obsession with women staying young has nothing to do with "genetics" (that blog will be coming) and everything to do with power and control. Stop buying it. Start radically loving and accepting yourself at every stage of your life.

Laughing at Rape and "Don't Drop the Soap" Jokes Rape, in any form, is not funny. That goes both ways. Men fear women being in power because deep down they know how awful they have treated us, and they don't want the same treatment in return. We have to be better than them. Because we know firsthand how this feels. We do not laugh politely out of social obligation anymore. Jokes are funny. Rape is not funny. And yes, this goes for any form of misogynistic joke. The mistreatment of women is not a punchline.

Shaming Periods and Body Hair Being a woman should not have to be a performative action. Judging women because they have body hair, or experience normal bodily functions, is just silly. We are human beings with human bodies. Get over it.

Not Publicly Supporting Other Women It's almost 2025. Empowered Women Empower Women.

This is not a comprehensive list, this is just what I have encountered both in myself and in others. Internalized misogyny is an insidious beast. It creeps into our mindset and takes over how we see the world and each other. I have been brainwashed by a cult, I know how awful it feels to realize you've been operating under ideas that weren't actually your own. Undoing the brainwashing by society? That was even harder.

All you can do is be mindful of what you're thinking, and what you're saying to other people. Where are these ideas coming from? Where have I heard this before? Does this align with other information I have heard and values I hold?

When it comes to you having negative thoughts about yourself, ask yourself these questions: Would I say this to my best friend? Would my best friend say this to me?

It's time to become your number one fan, and a cheerleader for women everywhere

Let's Wrap It Up

The biggest thing to take away from all of this: Internalized misogyny comes from fear. At some point, you realized that feminine things were bad. It was proven to you that embracing that side of yourself was dangerous, or just simply unacceptable. So you had to shut it down and lock it away. Now, when you see other people flaunting it, a little alarm bell goes off in the back of your mind. No, dangerous, don't do that, bad. It is a survival mechanism.

But it's not working anymore.

The patriarchy is winning, women are losing their rights, and men are getting more violent.

Playing their game keeps you as a pawn.

It's time to level up, babes 😘