Move Over Pick-Me Girls: "Not-Me Guys" Have Entered the Chat

Existing as a woman today is eerily similar to walking through a minefield. One minute you think you're sharing a photo of your favorite coffee on a fall morning with some of your internet friends; the next minute, your notifications are flooded with men telling you all of the various ways in which your post is wrong. How could your opinion be wrong? Let them count the ways.

Unfortunately, we've all encountered these men. We have the incels, the Alphas, the "Not All Men," the "Well, Actually" guys, the Gym Bros... All of them ready and waiting, desperate for any excuse to call you an angry feminist, or just another dumb female.

Recently however, a new flavor of man has entered the chat. They'll like and comment on your stuff, sometimes they might even follow you. But all of their comments have the same, dismissive undertone... "That sounds weird. Not me, I don't do that."

Allow me to introduce the "Not-Me Guys."

Oh you mean that super important issue that's been discussed a lot recently? I've never experienced it, I don't do it, can't be real, doesn't apply to me.

Random Thought, Turned Social Experiment

Recently, I accidentally conducted a little social experiment over on Threads. I'd been noticing a lot of women (and femme presenting folk) posting about the different measures they take in public to avoid being approached by strangers. Things like wearing headphones, carrying a book, intentionally wearing "scary" appearing accessories, endless examples of needing to plan ahead and go above and beyond to discourage people from approaching them.

So, I thought it would be interesting to ask the men of the internet if they had experienced the same thing. Specifically, I asked this exact question:

"Genuine question for the dudes out there:

When you're in a public setting (grocery store, bus, gym, anywhere) is your peace disturbed enough by other people coming up to talk to you, that you have put thought into wearing noticeable headphones or any other accessory that makes you appear unapproachable?

I've seen so many posts from women on this, I need to know if it goes both ways. Has it happened to you so frequently that you have had to put effort in to deter people from talking to you?"

As you can see, I tried to make the point of this question abundantly clear. Has it been an issue for you enough in the past that you now go out of your way to deter people from approaching you in public.

And let me tell you, the answers were all so enlightening; I have had to sit on this blog for a couple of weeks now, just to let it all marinate.

Before we get to the roasting, I am happy to announce that many of the men in the comments did pass the vibe check. There were many succinct answers of simply "No, this is not a problem for men." Honestly, this is what I was anticipating the overwhelming majority of the answers to be. I figured there would be a few outliers, men with PTSD or high anxiety who don't like to go out in public; but I naively assumed the majority of men would see this question and think "oh yeah, I don't have to think about that at all, weird."

Boy was I wrong.

The vast majority of the men who commented not only failed to grasp the direct question being asked, but they took this as an opportunity to humble brag.

They answered plenty of questions alright, just not the one question I was actually asking. There were answers ranging from "I'm the nicest guy I know, I wish more people would approach me" to "I'm 15'3" 846473 pounds and every inch of me is covered in tattoos. No one ever talks to me." Some of them would even agree that it is very annoying to be constantly approached in public, and that they do choose to wear headphones to avoid said interaction.

I would then ask follow up questions, how often were they being approached in public before they started wearing headphones, say out of every 10 times leaving the house? What were they being approached for? Some of them then, to their credit, would eventually admit that it was far less than that, that it could not be counted out of 10 times, and that it was typically just somebody doing their job and trying to sell them something.

It was not happening every time they left the house.

And they were not being hounded, harassed, hit on, followed, stalked, and generally scared to the point of wishing to be invisible in public.

But boy, would they jump through every single hoop imaginable before they would ever admit to that fact.

And thus, the "Not-Me Guy" was born.

Thanks, I hate it.

What Is A "Not-Me Guy?"

My definition: A Not-Me Guy is a man who feigns ignorance about a sensitive and important topic, claiming (or demonstrating) that he is unaware that it is even a problem, because it does not apply to him, or he would never do it.

Like the Pick-Me Girls of yore, the Not-Me Guys are attempting to gain credit and attention by "standing apart" from the crowd. They don't like to be lumped in with everyone else, they're special. They're not like these other guys out here, they see things differently.

You're not necessarily going to get into a heated debate with a Not Me Guy. Oh no, he's not the one angrily pounding away on his keyboard, or holding a megaphone at your local red pill convention. But he's also not really going to engage at all beyond his dismissive little comment; like a cat leaving you a present on your doorstep, he'll drop a "Nah, that's not a thing. I never do that." and then never return.

Think of it like the people who "didn't see colour" back in the '90s. Racism was (and still very much is) a big problem, and it was finally getting the attention it deserved. We were starting to see more representation in the media, the social standard was to fight back against racism when you saw it; but then suddenly people started saying "oh, I don't even see colour" whenever the topic would arise. I can understand the sentiment behind this saying becoming popular, but I think we all know now that it's complete nonsense. Even colorblind people can see different races. It was a way to set oneself above the problem without actually doing anything to help end it. Just because a problem isn't happening in your backyard, doesn't mean that it isn't happening somewhere else.

But that is exactly the default stance of this particular breed of guy. Because they are not actively contributing to the problem, that means that they are not responsible for the problem, and so they do not want to hear about the problem.

Let's get one thing very straight here. The Not-Me Guys of today have one agenda, and one agenda only: To silence women, and femme presenting people.

Just like with the originators of the "I don't see race" movement, their comments are meant to invalidate and dismiss the problem at hand. Because it is uncomfortable. Of course it's uncomfortable. There have been massive injustices and atrocities being committed against everyone who is not a straight, white man for literal centuries. It is a lot to unpack. It is a lot to confront. The internalized misogyny and patriarchal values run so deep, it can feel impossible to even know where to begin.

But that doesn't excuse never starting in the first place.

I know how hard it can be to look in the mirror sometimes. Trust me, it's better on the other side.

Don't Be a Not-Me Guy

It is no longer the responsibility of women to do the emotional labor for men. If you feel like you've fallen onto the wrong side of the spectrum, congratulations! That's step one, and it is the hardest one. Keep moving forward and looking inwards, I believe in you. We get nowhere by denying the past, it's time to learn and grow.

For the rest of us, you know I had to bring receipts. These are all different screenshots taken directly from the Thread I quoted above. Enjoy!

Coming in hot! Had to start this off with a bang. Love the flip from predator, to victim blaming, to being the victim. Impressive, borderline psychotic.

I'm not sure I can even say this man understood the post at all. Using the example of a female employee acting as a buffer during corporate events, where the goal is actually to network and socialize... bless his heart.

I didn't have the self-awareness to see that was what I was doing. That means that you were not doing it, my love. The question was "have you been bothered so much that you have gone out of your way to intentionally deter people." Humble brag. Intentionally missing the point. He even closes on a virtue signaling statement. Big Not-Me Energy.

I sincerely hope he stretched before patting himself on the back that hard (Stop saying females. You know exactly what you're doing.)

These two popping up back to back were just 🤌

Guess who never got a straight answer?

There was more to this one. But this follow up needed it's own mention. Wow, just... just wow.

He's not like other guys

Imagine reading the question I posted above, and saying this in response with your whole chest. Big Not-Me Energy. "This isn't an issue at all, I'm a big scary Alpha, other dudes know not to mess with me because of how scary I am."

There are more. But I needed a gif to properly react to this one.

Are men okay? Do you really need this much more validation than the amount society already lays at your feet all day every day?

Intentionally missing the point, flippant, holier-than-thou. All trademarks of the Not-Me Guy.

I wasn't going to include this one, at first. Believe it or not, I do not hate "all men," and based on the first comment this guy didn't seem so bad! Then we start on the second comment. And more virtue signaling 🤢 Not-Me Guys love to show off all the ways people below them flock to them for help. Sorry, I said your quiet part out loud for you 😇

Imagine not grasping the fact that being able to just walk away is a privilege that not all of us have

This was after my follow-up question. My dude couldn't wait to tell me women think he's a God 😇

Let's Wrap It Up

Men... Are you okay? These were only the examples I grabbed for the Not-Me Guys, don't even get me started on the nasty messages, unwelcome advances, the threats; for some of you, it seems like the second you realize you're interacting with a woman, you become hostile. You should probably look at that. Don't be a Not-Me Guy, it's okay to learn and grow. And don't let yourself be dissuaded by one either; wherever you see some "not me" smoke, guaranteed there's a fire of truth burning underneath.

As I said at the beginning, trying to exist as a woman in today's world is a very unique experience. Trying to exist as a woman online spreading awareness about "women's issues" in today's social climate? It is an experience like no other. One year ago, I would not have been able to handle any of this. I still didn't know who I was, or what I stood for. Now instead of retreating, I get to laugh, take notes, and then share it with all of you. And I think that's beautiful!

Like myself, this blog is going to continue to evolve. My ultimate goal is to stop cults like Scientology, and abusive people in general, from being able to harm anyone else. In the process of deprogramming myself, I also managed to deprogram a lot of the ideas that society had brainwashed me with, as well. So along with the cult stories and exposés, there are also going to be social commentaries like this one, and my earlier blog on grooming which you can read here. Read what you like, and leave the rest! Either way, thank you so much for your support and joining me on this journey 🫶 And hey if you're ever so inclined, there's an option to buy me a coffee in my link in bio on my socials! I'm @beccascorneroftheworld on all the socials, give me a follow (if you dare)