When They Can't Fight Your Point, They Attack You: How Grown-Up Bullies Work

Trigger Warning: Discussion of violence, abuse

Over the years, I have been made a victim in more ways than I can count. But I will not let myself be a victim anymore, and I'm here to help you do the same.

Finding your voice again after years of being silenced is a terrifying notion. You were taught over time that being safe meant being silent. You forgot you even had a voice. But that voice is back now, it sees how you've been mistreated, the injustices in the world, and it is ready to speak up.

Shaking, you step out into the world again. You start to figure out who you are and what you stand for. You see other people trying to stand up, and you feel inspired to support them. Your voice squeaks as you work up the courage to speak your words, and stand beside the others; or maybe it's your fingers shaking as you type out your words of support in a comment section online.

Then someone slams you back down again. And you retreat back into your hidey-hole, regretting ever having dared to speak up again in the first place.

Recently though, I've noticed an interesting trend with this. The OP (Original Poster, or the original person speaking) was correct in their statement, and I was correct in my statement of support. But then someone would harshly disagree, and I would backpedal and leave (or delete the comment) before I had a chance to properly assess what had just occurred. This person attacking me, they were never attacking the point being made.

They were attacking me, and my delivery.

Today we are going to take a look at exactly how bullies work.

Look behind the bark, and you will find a coward.

Some Bullies Never Change

Unfortunately, most of us remember our grade school bullies. Those other children on the playground whose only goal seemed to be making your life a living hell. Maybe it was other children in school, maybe it was family, but either way at some point in our lives, most of us have been bullied.

We all know the truth about those schoolyard bullies: their home life is bad, they do not know how to process their emotions, and so they throw them at other people in an effort to feel better and more in control.

Now, what do you think happens to these children as they grow? There are two paths that lay ahead of them. Most will gain some empathy, start to see other people as actual human beings, and try to get along in life. Children, while completely innocent, can also be inconceivably vicious until that pre-frontal lobe finishes cooking. At which point, they usually settle down and stop bashing other people over the head for playing with their toy.

The other path, sadly, is where we find the grown-up bullies.

They fall under many names, including narcissists, abusers, internet trolls, "Alpha Males," and incels. But let's call them what they really are: grown-up bullies. Gender is no deciding factor, women can just as easily be bullies. There just happen to be a greater number of men publicly making the point for me these days.

These people can not understand empathy to the point where they will mock those that do, seeing it only as a weakness. Any human emotion, apart from anger, is a weak emotion that is not to be shown to the outside world. They never learned how to accept and regulate their own emotions, so they fear them.

Below every scary bully exterior, there sits a coward.

Take it from a fellow alpha male, this is the problem with these females...

How Grown-Up Bullies Work

If you're an elder-millennial like myself, the concept of "internet trolls" is nothing new. I remember constantly telling myself "don't feed the trolls" any time I saw some offensive comment online. "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

The internet was a different place back then. It seemed like the majority voice was reasonable, and a select few were determined to be the Ultimate Edge Lord. We more or less let them do their own thing, out-edge each other, and we would just tend to our own corners of the internet and live our IRL lives.

But there's no denying that a lot has changed in the last 20 years, both on and offline. So much of our lives, and businesses, end up online now. And lately, it seems like basic human rights and needs are somehow up for debate. More than that, a person is no longer entitled to their innocuous opinion. You say you like apples? "Why do you hate oranges?!" The masses will cry.

But, do you want to know a secret? It's not actually the masses. It may feel like that sometimes, but it's really just a small group of people. They just happen to be louder.

Which is just one of the tactics they use. The goal of a bully isn't to "win." That's boring, finite, no real game there. Because to them, it's not a discussion. It's not a debate, it's not a sharing of ideas to come to a mutual understanding. It's a game. Like a cat playing with a mouse, they love watching you scramble, knowing there is not a thing you can do to stop them.

That's the most frustrating part of finding yourself caught in an argument with them. They lure you in, you think you're participating in a conversation, all the while they're slowly winding you up in their silky web of nonsense and backwards reasoning. The only way to win is to not play their game.

I won't even bother reading your response, I just want an excuse to call you a Karen.

These are the common tactics used by adult bullies:

1. Circular Reasoning. This is an argument that just circles back on itself. To an uninformed person it may make sense, but it breaks down the second any reason is let in. A great example of this is something like "obviously video games make teenagers violent, just look at the statistics!" The "proof" being that violent teenagers play violent video games, not that the video games actually caused the violence. But if you get into an argument with a bully using this tactic, they will dance circles around you and leave your brain spinning and ears steaming.

2. Confirmation Bias. This is only listening to evidence that supports their original belief, and dismissing any evidence to the contrary. For example, people who will only listen to Fox News and not bother to investigate any further. It can also apply to you. Your bully has decided that you stand for a specific thing, or that you are a certain way, and the only things that you say or do that they will acknowledge will be those things that feed into their confirmation bias.

3. Negating and Invalidation. That music you like? Ridiculous. That hobby you love? Stupid. Your shoes? Ugly. Your hair? Dumb. You could be a picture-perfect copy of your bully and it wouldn't make a difference; they would just make fun of you for not being original. It doesn't matter what the object is, all that matters is that you care about it. These are the people who won't attack your point, because they know they can't go head to head with you, so they try to tear you down to their size. Gaslighting also falls into this category. I remember deleting a comment once because someone said to me "if you're going to try to stand up for social justice, you should really watch your tone." I was MORTIFIED, and I immediately deleted it. Then it hit me: what are they doing? They just didn't like seeing someone else have the guts to say what they couldn't. They chip away at your confidence, your sense of self, until you are no longer a threat.

4. Overwhelm. This could also include physical force, but for this point we are just looking at words. These are the people who will interrupt, talk over you, speak in a non-stop avalanche of words, yell louder and louder, send hundreds of messages, write novel-length paragraphs, fill your inbox, flood your voicemail... Their goal isn't to persuade you with facts; it's to overwhelm you into just giving up.

5. Gossip/Lies. These people are too scared to do the dirty work themselves, so they insidiously implant their beliefs about you into the minds of others. Have you ever been the subject of horrendous gossip? I have. I have read emails from leaders of the cult all over the world discussing an un-true story about me as if it were fact. There is nothing you can do about it but keep your head down; if you try to defend yourself, you just look guilty. This is an evil tactic, used by the most cowardly of them all.

6. Brute, Physical Force. Some bullies simply rely on their size from the start; they aim to intimate you into submission, or some will just push you down by any means necessary. These are the men who love to imply that you're lucky they're not choosing to attack you right now, and they always say it with that evil twinkle in their eye. They know they could seriously harm you, and they want you to know it too. Some play it off as a joke, or a "playful" form of flirting. This is one of the most dangerous kinds of bullies; if they're not outwardly violent from the beginning, often times they're just a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Get out while you still can.

I hope you can find your safe haven 🤍

How to Fight Back

Let me make one thing perfectly clear here: I do not condone physical violence. Lowering yourself to their level should be a life or death decision only.

The best thing you can do is leave. Friendship, relationship, job (report to HR, quit, transfer, whatever you can do) online conversation, whatever the situation may be. If you can leave, then leave. They want you to believe that you have no choice. But it is not your responsibility to fix the person that is breaking you. It is not your job to educate them.

If you can't leave the situation, learn how to set boundaries. And honestly, take self-defense classes. If you can't afford them, look up videos on YouTube for how to practice at home. Just knowing that you can defend yourself can seriously boost your confidence. Again, this is not about condoning physical violence. It's about you knowing that you could defend yourself physically as needed. You would be amazed at what that can do for your self-esteem.

Bullies operate on intimidation. They're like herding dogs, they will guide you into a corner, and then turn around and blame you for being in that same corner. The only way to win is to not play their game.

A bully knows how to spot their target. And unfortunately, a person lacking confidence is an easy target. If you know yourself, trust yourself, and feel good, a bully can't touch you. Remember, they are cowards. They are not looking for a fair fight, they are looking for someone they know will take their bait, so they can prove how "big and strong" they are.

Don't let yourself be their victim anymore. To clarify, this is not victim blaming. You are never at fault for someone else abusing or bullying you. But you can be the reason that they stop. Know yourself. Know that you have inherit worth for simply existing on this planet. Know who you are, know what your values are, know what you stand for, and maybe most importantly, know what you will not stand for.

Let's end bullying together. No more suffering in silence. We will no longer carry the weight of their bad decisions for them. How have you been bullied? How have you been able to stand up against it? Sound off below 🤍

Don't be a pawn. Be the game.

If you or someone you know is being abused, please reach out to your local authorities for help 🤍