Why I'm Happy to be Divorced: A Lesson on Choice

Recently, I have found myself living in a happy little corner of the internet called Threads. Meta's answer to the now hate-filled Twitter, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Threads also happens to be mainly populated by beautiful beings, all over the rainbow of gender, sexuality, lifestyle, neurodivergences... It's become my safe space. Sure, the trolls are creeping in; but the block button was created for good reason.

But back to the point, I've noticed a delightful trend as of late. So many women have been flocking to Threads to announce their recent divorce with utter and absolute joy. These announcements are all being met with overwhelming messages of love and support... from fellow women.

The men, however, seem to have a different take.

They can't understand how these women are celebrating their failure. And they're shaming them for it. Unsuccessfully mind you, but they sure are trying.

Today we're going to take a close, personal look at exactly why women are celebrating this beautiful, new achievement we're unlocking in our "later years."

Welcome to The First Wives Club.

(Stick around 'till the end for a detailed list of my top 15+ red flags to look out for! 👀)

You don't own me...

A Brief History

It has only been less than one hundred years since women earned the right to file for divorce. Even at that time, however, they had to be able to prove adultery, cruelty, or desertion in order for it to be granted.

This means that a woman did not have the right to change her mind. Only one hundred years ago, if you were unhappy, it did not matter in the eyes of the law. You were the property of your husband. And unless you could prove that he was neglecting said property, you had exactly zero options.

It's easy to look back on different eras with rose-colored glasses, longing for "simpler times" when things weren't so "complicated." But let's not get it twisted; things were easier for exactly one demographic. And it most certainly was not the women of the era. To be fair, that's not entirely true. If all of your rights, freedoms and choices were taken away from you, there's really not a whole lot left to complicate your life. You certainly wouldn't have any of those troublesome life decisions, like who to marry and how many children to have, taking up any space in your mind. It would all be decided for you.

When I was younger, "one hundred years" meant something very different than it does to me now. It was eons of time, a distant future or an archaic past, that had less than nothing to do with me here, now, in this present time. It holds a very different meaning for me today. One hundred years ago, our grandmothers were fighting for our freedoms. And now here we are today, having to pick up this exact, same fight.

Together we rise

Why I'm Happy to be Divorced

Do I hate my ex-husband? Absolutely not. Did he treat me well? Absolutely not. But neither question has anything to do with why I am happy to be divorced.

I wear my divorced status as a badge of honor. Because I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have ancestors who would have been able to live beautiful lives if they had only been allowed to choose.

How many women were not given the choice to leave, and have had to pay their lives as the price for someone else's decisions?

How many women were forced to stay, forced to appease their husbands "needs" in spite of their own, and then forced to carry the umpteenth consequence of those actions? Birthing another mouth that they couldn't afford to feed? Or, like in the sad case of so many, losing their life in the process of something that they did not choose. Be it by complications during birth, or at the hands of their partner while pregnant.

Did you know that the number one cause of death among pregnant women is murder? Not complications from pregnancy or labor, as one would assume. No, it's the woman paying the ultimate price, having her life taken away from her, simply because her partner decided that his freedom was more valuable than her life.

This is why I am happy to say that I am divorced. I was lucky enough to be born in a time when women still had that right, in most parts of the world. And I'll be damned if I sit idly by and watch as those rights are slowly being taken away again.

How do we stop The Handmaid's Tale from becoming our not-so-distant dystopian future?

By talking about it.

We have been shamed into silence for generations. Our silence is their power. They rely on us being too ashamed of what happened to us, too terrified to speak up, to warn the next generation of their tactics. And so far, it's been working for them.

Well, we're not doing that anymore. We share our stories now. So that the women who come after us will know better, and can do better. Looking back, there were so many signs I didn't see. People tried to warn me, but it was already too late at that point. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Keep your eyes open, and watch for signs of future bad behavior. Once you know what to look for, keeping yourself safe and sane can become a whole lot easier.

Sharing war stories and battle scars

Red Flags to Watch Out For

You've probably been hearing a lot of talk about "red flags" recently. These are certain actions or behaviors that could be a warning sign of future emotional and physical abuse. These can be in the dating scene, in marriages, friendships, etc. Some of them are obvious and easy to catch, like being nice to you but rude to the waitstaff. But other red flags can be very insidious, and less easy to spot at first.

That is, until now.

I want to make a couple of quick clarifications here: These red flags can apply to anyone. Man, woman, non-binary, and everyone in between. Everyone has the potential to be a toxic partner, and everyone has the potential to be a victim.

Also, this is just a list of the red flags that I missed in the early stages of previous relationships, or witnessed in others. This is in no way meant to be a comprehensive list, nor an indictment against any one person; these are simply the warning signs that I have either seen the most often, or were dangerous enough to warrant a mention.

No more mistaking red flags for character or chemistry

Red Flags in Relationships

Playing Hot and Cold This isn't to be mistaken with someone going slow and taking their time, that is healthy. But someone who wants to take things slowly is going to want to get to know you, meaning you will actually be hearing from them. Someone that's playing hot and cold, is playing cat and mouse. They're going to call and text at first, then pull back. Just when you've given up hope, they pop up again. They're getting your attention and pulling away because this makes you reach for them. They're using you to fluff their ego. Don't do it, don't message them first. What if you never hear from them again? Good. Do you want to date someone that you have to constantly remind that you exist? Didn't think so. Block and move on.

Pushing Boundaries This is not a cute look, and we are not allowing this behavior anymore. If you don't want to sleep with someone on the first date? That is one hundred percent your decision. On the tenth date? Guess what? Still one hundred percent your decision. This goes for any boundary that you may have. If a person is making a habit out of routinely pushing back against every boundary that you put up, you need to leave immediately. This is not a person who cares about you and your wellbeing, this is a person who cares about how much they can take from you. Run.

A Negative Reaction to Your Prior Dating History Do you know what your history is? Your history. That is your story. The good, the bad, the ugly, the all of it. Without your prior experiences, you wouldn't be who you are today. And yes, this includes all of your baggage and all of your trauma. If someone wants to date you, they do not get to cherry pick the parts of you that they keep or toss. That doesn't excuse treating someone poorly because of past trauma. We are all responsible for our own actions, and our own reactions. This goes both ways. If anyone tries to make you feel guilty because of who you dated or what you did in the past, leave them. They're not Judy, they don't get to judge.

Any Form of Invalidation or "Negging" This technique has been popularized by the Alpha Males over the last couple of decades. It's the backhanded compliment, snide remarks, subtle invalidations of your interests or appearance... anything that makes you feel like you have to prove yourself to them. It's the technique used by those who know they have zero personality to work with, so they have to resort to making someone feel like they have to seduce them. Don't fall for it, know your worth.

Every Ex is "Crazy" Sure, there are some crazy people on this planet. And yes, we all act irrationally at times. Some people do have "crazy" exes. But if every single one of his exes has been given the "crazy" label? Chances are, they were all telling him exactly what he did not want to hear about himself. This is a person with zero accountability. Run.

Your Mood Changes Based on Whether or Not You Hear From Them We all get excited when we hear from someone, and a little bummed when we don't. Normal. But if it's dramatically affecting your day-to-day life? That is codependency, plain and simple. This could mean two different things, but with the same basic outcome. This person is triggering a codependent attachment style, meaning you're becoming too emotionally dependent on them, and their words and actions (or inaction) have too great an impact on you. Some people will create this in others on purpose to gain control over them. In this case, run. In other cases however, the person is doing nothing on purpose, but their actions are still triggering this response in you. Either way, this isn't healthy, and you need to take some time out to work on you.

Not Just Close, But "Too Close" With His Mom Let me say this loud and proud: I love my mama bear to bits, she is my rock and I wouldn't trade her for the world. But we also have ✨boundaries✨ Meaning, she has her life, and I have my life. Boundaries are important. I think someone being close to their family can actually be a green flag, but only if that family has boundaries. I had an ex who lived with his mother when we first met. He was 30+, but they had just moved to town together and were really close. Seemed wholesome enough. Turns out, he was an abuser, she was an enabler, and now I have CPTSD. All I'm saying is, be aware.

Love Bombing Everybody's favorite new buzzword! "Love Bombing" is when the person showers you with attention, extravagant gifts, fancy trips, all manner of over-the-top gestures designed to leave you feeling both flattered, and indebted to them. Think of it like the salesman who gives you a "really special deal" that they're doing "just for you" and "if the boss found out, they'd get in really big trouble!" They go in hard and fast, making you feel like you're wrapped up in it with them, gaining a false sense of connection, intimacy, and obligation. Once they know they've got you addicted to their supply, they pull back. Enter, the "hot and cold" from above.

Disrespect They never start with this. They start by being your perfect person. They will love bomb, they'll run hot and cold, they will do whatever it takes to make sure they've got you on the hook. That's when they will test the waters. It will be something small, but direct. They might say something shocking, out of the blue, that completely goes against who you thought they were. Or maybe they'll "playfully" pinch you just a little too hard. They're testing to see how you will react. If you're not under their thrall by now, you'll leave. If you don't, they know they've got you.

Claiming They're "So Misunderstood" Nobody is so misunderstood that they have no friends. At that point, the only person not understanding exactly who they are, is them. If someone is trying to convince you that you're the only person who really understands them, understand that you need convincing for a reason. Walk away.

Unequal Power Dynamic If you're going to be in a romantic relationship with someone, you have to feel safe. It's one thing to feel a little uncomfy talking about certain subjects, but you should never be afraid to tell your partner anything. There can be no relationship if there is an unequal power dynamic. Sure, one person is probably going to be physically stronger than the other person. But you should never be made to fear that. Nor should you be afraid that your partner could, for instance, get you fired, spread inappropriate photos, give you a failing grade, or have any other form of control over you. An equal partnership is an equal partnership. Full stop.

They Speak Negatively of the People Closest to You A common manipulation tactic of abusers is to isolate their victim from their friends and family. One of the ways they do this is by planting the seed that those closest to their victim are bad influences. They'll let you see them and talk to them, at first. But once they've seen this person have any influence over you, the little digs will start. They'll start picking fights before you visit them; not even anything to do with the person, they just want you to leave in a bad mood. Once they know they have enough control over you, they will start fighting directly for you to not see them, claiming it's for your own good. Eventually, they wear you down, and you learn to just stop fighting. Don't let it get there, babes. Spot this one ASAP.

They'll Flip the Script When You're Upset You bring up one thing that upsets you, and somehow you find yourself apologizing. It's called "recrimination," which is an accusation in response to an accusation from someone else. It's a great way to make sure a person stops trying to talk to you about anything. It could take me weeks sometimes to work up the courage to bring up an issue to him. I would have to mentally go over every possible thing that he could use against me, so I could have a prepared response ready to go. Little did I know, the only response I ever needed was "never call me again."

You're Constantly Making Excuses for Them Everybody makes mistakes, that is one thing. Everybody is allowed to have an off day. However, if when you find yourself complaining about them, and your friends start supporting you and agreeing with you, you then start defending them? This is a red flag. Again, a once off is one thing. We all make mistakes. But if this becomes a trend? You are being manipulated. There is a part of you that knows you are not being treated right, that's why you're talking to your friends about it in the first place. Having them on your side should be a good thing. If you catch yourself constantly jumping to their defense? It's time to take a step back and look at why you're not allowing yourself to hear it.

He's Not "Edgy," He's Just an Asshole Oh, how I've had to learn this one the hard way. Ladies, listen. There are only so many times you can hear the words "I told you I was an asshole!!" before you really start to hear them the first time. That slightly inappropriate joke? You're not wrong, it's not funny. That time he ugly-snapped at you because he was "just hungry/tired" but then sort of apologized for it afterwards? Just an awful preview of the horrible things to come. Listen, we all have bad days. But we are also grown ass adults who are responsible for our own emotions, words and actions. The beginning days are when someone is on their best behavior. Hear them the first time, it doesn't get better from there.

They're In a Cult That's it, that's the whole point. Just a hard no.

So tell me, would you consider yourself a feminist?

In Conclusion

Know your worth. Know that that worth is inherent in you, simply because you exist. Know that when a man is trying to knock you down a peg, it's because he knows that you are too far above him. Keep your head held high. The right one will see you.

Times are different today. Women no longer need men to live; we are allowed to have our own credit cards, our own mortgages, our own divorces, our own lives. These are the rights that our grandmothers had to fight for us to have. And these are the same rights that we now have to fight for our granddaughters to continue to have.

I am proud to say that I am divorced. I married a man because I loved him. I left him because I stopped loving him. Because I had the right to do so. And I will forever wear my divorce as a badge of honor.

For all the ones who came before who weren't given that choice. Never again.

Never. Again.